What does A Woman Need?
“The six poisons: A vital aspect of internal purification that Pattabhi Jois teaches relates to the six poisons that surround the spiritual heart. In the yoga shastra it is said that God dwells in our heart in the form of light, but this light is covered by six poisons: kama, krodha, moha, lobha, matsarya, and mada. These are desire, anger, delusion, greed, envy and sloth. When yoga practice is sustained with great diligence and dedication over a long period of time, the heat generated from it burns away these poisons, and the light of our inner nature shines forth.” – Pattabhi Jois teaching
“Keep looking if you get rejected. Move on to other prospects,” it is said in job searching. Should we do this in relationships, too? We do. But should we? Or ought we look at a single prospect and fight for it? Then, this leads to the question of the above yoga practice and the pamphlet here, challenging my attachments.
3 July 2013
Alma, I miss you terribly and I am attached to you with desire. I don’t think, however, this is negative. You are a Truth. This pamphlet also represents two of the many conversations this man has taught me. (The middle passage is more of a report, I believe, as this is a ‘bulletin.‘)
As I re-read through another source, conversations with Krishnamurti that have been transcribed, I thought of you and want to share. They bring me some awareness of the way I perceive, judge and dream but never actually reveal to you. I know I bring to you a continual, large volume of words via text, email and phone. I apologize I do not do so more in Spanish. But, I am a communicator. It’s my nature. I keep trying even though not economical with words.
When you and I reconnected in January I was thrilled. Yes, I was very excited you were divorced. I didn’t know what to imagine except seeing you. Slowly, sexual feelings arose. I do not recall them from our college years. I think then I only adored you innocently but it was Love then, too. It was Love January 15, 2013. It is always love with you. You are Special. The Moment from the first note you sent me on “Caminante” I felt that all my Life has led to this: A Journey With You. We seemingly began twenty-five years ago, me seeing you and finally meeting four long years later But, I also draw great joy from my awareness of this Truth, to me: Our birthdays. When I was born, I ‘arrived.’ 28 days later, You. Since then it was just Time. Waiting.
Why did I write to you in my hour of need twenty two years ago? Why did you reply? Why confess your self, your shame? How have we managed to remain connected? It’s not chance. It’s choice.
You spoke of waiting ninety days. Then you wanted to see me. Then I introduced you to Skype. We moved quickly. But, it all felt and feels so right! You don’t know how intensely and quickly you already were affecting change in me, though, Bebe, to be a better man! Real lessons from a perspective I admire, respect and heard. I was a student ready for the lesson. I guess without asking, I soon decided we were life partners and inspired by your intense flame of love, longing and promise to me. We seemed to forge a partnership over these last few months pushing each other, daring each other, growing together. Now, you have chosen to separate your path. I was naive to your needs, emotional and psychological. I took for granted this Vision of A Woman, This Wonder, this New Age Hippie Chick who had come back into my life to be everything I wanted and believe I need.
I am sad and disillusioned now after a rocky set of missteps from my leaking anger you witnessed and also experienced. I was selfish while convincing myself you were ok with things I needed at this crossroads of my life, only intellectually accommodated your feelings, deciding you were ok or should be. It was what you needed to solve as Mi Alma searched within Her Self. I didn’t judge you as ‘open’ or ‘closed’ minded. It was simply part of the process. Did I assume that what You presented on the surface was The Honesty of the lake-depths down deep in Tu Corazon? Of course. How naïve and short-sighted I was, caught up in my eager Christmas morning feelings around You.
As any Fool, only with the crisis at my doorstep did I hear. Only after you left me did I hear what you had been telling me and I had been resisting, lashing out as part of my defensiveness. My need to be around my ex and desire for my dogs was about fear, not moving on more than anything positive. All I wanted – You – I had chased away saying I don’t want to come for my birthday, . . .we should end if we can’t communicate. Nothing impeccable about those choices in words, was there? I wasn’t listening to or reading your honesty, your open heart and did not remove my ego to trust in you, that we could work together. Now, you don’t want to and this crushes me.
When I experience my own toxic emotions lleno de expectation you are with someone else already, or when I chase seedy and taboo fantasies, it’s about not possessing you. It’s about not witnessing your incredible female sexuality envelop me, surrendering to you and watching You slowly let your walls down to truly let Me in. Once in my life I was foolish to think a man might truly satisfy a woman, that a man could comprehend a woman’s depth, her power. Once, I wanted to control and believe I could be given that control when all along it is I who wants the woman, You, to control – to let go in You and just Be. In that choice, I know we’d both find a push and pull to carry and be carried, to rule and be ruled. Perfection. Like Theseus in Oedipus, I know already without being a woman who has better sex. Where once my ego believed I was the reason, I guess now I like to think I am some small part of her – You – participant, witness and maybe a giver of pleasure.
I cringe with the jealousy that I was not enough to satisfy You. When I slip into the darkest of places, you picking someone up in a supermarket and having him in the back seat of your car or being ravaged by multiple men, quietly collecting yourself and going home with them dripping out of and all over you, no visible expression on your face except an eerie calm, I come to see my jealousy is in that female power, that even in a group the men are duped to think one way not realizing who is running the show. How a woman has such might and yet also the ability to dwell deep within her most private, sacred spaces to heal emotions, as Robert A. Johnson in We discusses. How inadequate we men are, emotionally unruly. Maybe you can’t truly own your own power and accept my limitations. Maybe it is self-esteem for you. You cannot fathom when I want to bow down to your Sacred Temple door with gratitude, I am not abandoning my own power, my own strengths – simply holding yours in reverence. And, when I think of you succumbing to another or others, when I imagine you being goaded to be atrevida and tremendita then building off those impulses with another, it is not mere jealousy – it is inadequacy. I helped you spring forth, awaken long dormant or maybe always forbidden desire. Yet, I was not violent and aggressive enough to handle your appetites, not compliant and resilient enough to let you be in charge after the sheets were washed and the bed made, in the civil arena.
So, I squelch out what you might say if you come back to me after satisfying those needs. Yet, I love you so. I want you to be happy. Do I truly love Her as I claim? Would my ego be able to reunite with her knowing she had chosen other people, that I hadn’t been enough? The answer is Yes. Difficult but yes. It’s your Heart that matters most to me. All those fantasies come down to missing You, you not wanting Me, banishing me from the Temple, the Altar and shutting the doors but banishing me from most of all from your Heart.
Alma, you said you don’t want me to suffer, that I should be happy. I am happy with you. I suffer from silence, from not knowing why you won’t talk with me. Separation is painful now even if you have other reasons like time spent with family, gaining economic independence or what may be your reasons, none of which I know beneath the depths of those sad, salt-green lake eyes, so wide with knowledge, love, pain and fear. I do not accept that merely the experience of my anger and my relationship with the ex are your only reason for not continuing. In short, without wanting to offend, I don’t believe you have an allergic reaction to anger. I believe your ‘hurt’ and silence are forms of unexpressed anger, fear. Why don’t you want to manage conflict where we both made missteps? Is it pride? Are you staying hurt to avoid deeper examination of either yourself and/or us? Or you know what else is going on and won’t say. It is too vulnerable to talk or to speak with me because you are too in love with me as I am with you, right? You say you feel pressure from me or confused but it is you trying to find the quiet within to follow the Truth, Us, right? So, you steel yourself away from showing me emotions, intimacy?
It is possible to speak intimately again, Alma. I think we may speak even more deeply, as what you might write in your diary. I love talking with you, being with you even with these obstacles. I know you feel the same with me.
My ultimate need as an Individual is that I foster a spiritual path that is merged with my human appetites and attachments. I cannot be detached. You are the Perfect Partner: Friend; Lover; Teacher; Student; Witness. Adventurer. Journey Woman. Not necessarily geography but I think that you and I have a World to discover together. Does it make any difference to say you are the first person I have had this desire with in my whole life?
Let’s witness each other, share the path and try to stay on it together. Do you want to excavate and explore with me, Alma? Are we a pair to deeply slowly go into every physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological cavity with total surrender and commitment to the other at the same time letting the other person be? Is shared path as witness to what the other needs compatible with commitment?
I believe so. I do desire you in spite of this yogic message at the start reminder.
If You choose to never speak with Me again, I hope You Trust the Process, that You truly allow those 90 days of courtship and that You find a way to truly let someone in. Maybe WE can find a way to Trust the Process with each Other. 90 days. 🙂
As I work my way through my six poisons, hopefully We is not a delusion. I seek The Truth with you next to me, Alma. From Living to Dying and beyond wherever that leads.