Secret World

I stood in this sunsheltered place
‘Til I could see the face behind the face
All that had gone before had left no trace
Down by the railway siding
In our secret world, we were colliding
All the places we were hiding love
What was it we were thinking of?

2 August 2013

Dear Alma,

Well, I suppose at some point this letter must come – I have kept promising it and still I do not know if this truly can be my last letter. Without a dialogue it’s too tiring, a debilitating sadness to not speak, to no longer exist in your life and to wonder if I or what I write matter. I picture you reading Vocero over un ratito de café, busy with the children and dogs, filling your life with challenges and new work pursuits maybe we both avoided during our A.D.D. affair. You seem more ‘ant’ serious with your work and vision for what’s next. I often feel like the ‘grasshopper.’ Sabes Aesop’s Fables?

In We, I found my first sober strength and desire to build an adult life with Another – You. Born out of our deep affection y(our) love brought, I hope you felt this too. When you clasped your beautiful hands around my neck in one of our most intimate moments, wide-eyed exclaiming as I touched your uterus Oh, Bebe! This is how people become pregnant! I was overcome with joy at our shared vulnerable ecstasy. Prospect of birthing Our Life together was real. It is WE, possible with one decision by you still! Each time I read your email Perhaps we might have solved our differences however the pattern of unmeasured attacks is to me a signal I should not be in this relationship, it pierces my heart with deepest regret. I let you down. How could I treat you like anyone? You were my Queen! How could I not treat everyone with impeccable words, take so much in the world personally or always be so assuming? My one redemption, Bebe: I always do my best. Even as I, under cloud of medicine and exhausted illness, hammered down on you with unmeasured choices you received as attacks, I knew better. I always do. I know you know in your Heart I am better than your fears signal. Perceptive Crabby, My Witness. Changes you stir. Yet you depart? You, reflecting pool of ‘Better.’ La Razon. I dream We each will continue to urge each other onward, higher! Tell me this is not a Fool’s Dream!

My Love, I said most of this in my many volumes to you. For our daily bread, to wake by your side every morning, I would trade in all my letters these last 63 days. I’d remove myself from time w/my ex on my own not because it distressed you – because I love only You. I would treat you with the dignity, compassion, love, honesty and impeccable qualities you have shown me. I’d urge you to do your best as I’d do likewise here in NY preparing to move. I fell in love with my Puerto Rico Tour Guide. We’d decide where to live, dream where por ejemplo to build/buy a beach home and discuss what I could do to best integrate my life with yours. Like the Santiago family, we would travel. I’d show you California. We’d explore new horizons with the children, always returning Home.

I love you so, My Love, with all my Heart, all My Soul. I would like Us to learn from our past, live today for the promise of tomorrow. I hope We is not fallout of your struggle to come to peace with your past, with yourself. I Love You for All of who You were in January. I will always Love You for what You are and what You can be. You are My Good Girl. Siempre Mi Hembra y mi Alma. La Amora de mi Vida. Some mornings as the Sun comes peeking over the early edges of the morning sky and I wait to see you, I am both fulfilled in God’s Glory, Warmth, Hope and utter Joy and sad that as I see You in this Bountiful, Spiritual Eternal Light I can only imagine You. Can You exist if it’s only in Me, not the physical space before Me? Will my sadness that I never will touch those soft mejllas otra vez ever wither as Your Love for Me seems to have? Like the fleeting rays that quickly dance and have moved on to another spot, You are gone and the warmth on my face cools.

You used to ask, “Bebe, estoy durmiendo, soñando?” Ha. Maybe You were but I was wide awake and only now must ask someone to pinch me, You’re gone. Still, I cannot believe You loved me??? After all these years to awaken in You radiated to me across campus time after time I was near You, too paralyzed with Love to speak to You is so precious and maravillosa, like You will always be. To discover that what I perceived in We was and is Real! How beautiful. Thank you for receiving and returning Love. Gracias. De los partes mas profundos de Mi Propio. Gracias, My Love!!!! I hope you find You, caminando. I’d like to be juntos for that!

Siempre Yo Soy El Hombre de Tu, Tu La Hembra de Mi.

Como Una Promesa, &iempre Eres Tu.

Did You leave because I have learned the Lesson?

Did You leave because I have learned the Lesson?

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