The rain is over!!! There is a beautiful Sun this morning meaning that you are with me. – You to Me, April 2, 2013 6:50 a.m.
My Heart swelled all over just now reading this note. As I went seeking it for this entry, reading over many of our exchanges, my Heart grew both full with Love and pained with sadness knowing You are out there somewhere. Each morning I wait for the phone to ring. I think, What if I open my email and today she sent a note? I try to envision what you’ll say to me, all the things I need to hear, what you need to say and all of it healing. When what you are speaking to me becomes sullied and cluttered with my fears, I try my best to quiet them down. I know You Love Me. I believe in We every day as I never thought I would with any one.
Every morning when the Sun rises I see Your wide expressive green eyes smiling at me. I feel Your caress on My cheek. I taste Your soft lips. I hold Your chest close and feel You deeply from just the touch of My fingers on Your sweet skin. I put my mouth to Your sternum, right on my favorite spot: the mole just under Your left breast, as if ‘x’ marks the spot of Your Heart. I hum a low, loving vibration through Your Walls.
Sadly, self-consciously, I never did this with You, fearing You would think it silly. I now wonder – had I taken this action, would those vibrations ever-lasting have penetrated those hardened, hurt walls of Your Heart so You would trust that when inevitably imperfect words and tone fumbled forth from my foolish mouth, you would know I was different than your past, that above all others I Love You and that would be enough?
Did you simply realize you did not Love me – certainly not the way I know You know I Love You – and are still too afraid to tell Me? You’d rather leave me holding the bag on some mirage of conflict where the perfection You seek is unattainable in shape-shifting dimensions, rules of engagement known only to You. Or, are You so in Love and We have entered the most sacred, intimate physical, emotional and psychological cavities that when hurt of the past swells in Your Heart and wells up in Your throat, You simply cannot hear beyond the past? Blinded by fear, You have Me in your cross hairs of anguish now.
All I really want is to Love You, protect You and be the person, finally, I was meant to be – walking at Your side, building something together between each Sun rise and Sun set, sleep with you as the Moon watches over Us each night.