Longing. Love. Loss . . .

When I first laid eyes on you so many years ago, I felt Love. I never could speak to you, only watch in abject paralysis,  fear and longing. Four year it took me to meet you. You were so incredibly sweet. How could I have waited that long? As you went your way and I mine, I knew I could not do what I truly felt and dreamed at that moment – marrying you would bring with it so many difficulties for me I would only let you down. All I could do is move on.

Somehow, we stayed in touch. Sporadically. More specifically, whenever I reached out to you you replied. Enough so that when social media came along it wasn’t so strange to connect. I always imagined you in your world, happy and fulfilled. Since you made no mention of nor was there any real image ever captured of  a husband, I casually imagined “what if  some day she gets divorced?”

When we reconnected at the holidays, I was shocked you were actually divorced.

Then, a tingling sensation as I typed you, “Boy, you shouldn’t have told me that. Now, I’ll be dreaming all the way to where you are.”

“Well, come any time.”

“It’s so cold here. I need a snuggle buddy.”

“And I need a sunbathing partner.”

Wow. I get chills now just recounting this glorious, seemingly insipid banter. Little did I know we were watering roots of seeds sown years before in love and friendship.

I didn’t fall in love with my memory. I didn’t fall in love with my dream girl for whom all those 26 years ago I felt only longing, innocent and unexplained. I didn’t even fall in love with the gal I met on the last day of school 22 years ago. I fell in love with the middle-aged mother of two going through a divorce, through life’s inevitable turns of which I had become a part over the many miles that separate us. You, hearing my voice over the phone and seeing each others’ ‘selfies’ as we practiced the high hipster art form, We came to see Our Selves in each other’s eyes, in each other’s touch, kiss, caress and soul. It was not merely a rebound, a gentle balm in that feel good nebula between Christmas and Valentine’s Day.

Tonight as the Sun dips through the trees and offers an early taste of autumn’s softening skies, the Moon chases him close behind. She will catch him soon. I feel the Summer of Our Life slipping away with all the promise that Spring brought. 135 days with you and now 105 without you. The church bells peal a tune that cascades across the park, signaling day’s retreat at the top of the hour. The melody is so close I can almost place it before a train racing past and onward into the City drowns out the inspiration. Acorns fall, beckoning the coming Harvest , where only the other day it seems I sat under June’s bloom, mournfully tried to send you a selfie with the words”I miss you.”

“It’s sunny. You are going to get a tan.” Your lifeless politeness crushed my chest. All trace of intimacy excised. Playful offer for a sunbathing partner icily rescinded.

Who talks like that to someone, to The One that was supposed to be an everything that a Year of Second Chances summoned through manifestation of desire, vision and Love? What right do you have to have loved me so deeply and now to abandon me so brutally, over misunderstanding? This choice to not resolve is crueler than death. At least with death I’d know you were gone from this mortal coil. Instead, I know you are out there and only my imagination can haunt me or fuel me with hope. Only reading our endless emails that reached near a thousand in four months can light my way. Only my letters to you are like a blanket over a bones-tired widower escaping into sleep in the middle of the day to quiet the deep and unending loss, pain.

The day you said “No mas,” our brief interlude of words that only escalated hurt and confusion before you simply said “I cannot be in this relationship. I cannot make you happy. I will suffer. You will suffer, ” is like a hollowed out trauma in my Heart. Like you who refuses to leave the past behind, you have gifted me with this same cancer. Where once you baptized me in your Love and washed away all my Life’s regret, like a tide before a tsunami you withdrew so far and then drowned me in your agony.

Did your self-proclaimed “CEO” of the family decide I wasn’t a fit substitute for her recently dismissed father? Does your Body Temple which You proclaimed Forever my Home now burn down with the flames of lust, better suited to become an empty lot, a playground to all the children of the Desire that We awoke in You? Do you mistake that hunger for the Commune of Sacred, Spiritual and Everlasting Love We shared partaking of each other’s blood and body?

I have read much on so many aspects this Summer: the psychology of romantic love; inner and outer being; kundalini energy; the cross roads of our planet between chaos and vibrational perception ruling our tomorrows; extroverts and introverts; in short, all the things you and I staring into The Iris and the You-Ris of our Entwined Souls saw as We.

Now, once again there is only The Abyss. Me. And, You somewhere, over the Rainbow. Now we are disjointed, fragmented and not whole again. Only this time it comes with deep, slow and thrilling memory of  the first time Our lips touched, the first time You welcomed me in, the knowledge of how perfectly I fit in You and You in Me. We. Completion. It comes with now gut-tearing devastation. It is hard to let go. It is hard to wish for your happiness. It is hard to Love. Some days. Other days, I still see I was right and You were right in that conflict as I have tried to tell you over the course of these last 105 daze in letters, voice memos, books and in finally giving you maybe the silence you require.

I spoke to a friend as I had many times this summer wondering if you ever think of me. She said, “I often think of my exes and wonder how and why it didn’t work out.”

Does anyone think of how it could work out? Does anyone in your Life root for We?

When You first met me at the airport, You had that look and I know I did, too. I could taste It on Your lips Our First Kiss.

How could I not? How could You now knot up Your Clenched Heart when You and I both know How I Love You So?? Why should I have to wait for It when It is already Here?



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